FOR NEURODIVERSE COUPLES

This page offers two parallel sets of experiences, one for the neurotypical partner and one for the neurodivergent partner. They reflect patterns I have seen over many years in working with neurodiverse couples. Unfortunately, experience in traditional couples therapy can exacerbate these patterns. Every couple is unique and the descriptions are not meant to be diagnostic, predictive, or decisive.

THE NEUROTYPICAL PARTNER

The neurotypical partner often feels s/he must sacrifice their own needs and spontaneity
to regulate their partner, socially and emotionally. In the absence of finding resolution
together, s/he often will take on the emotional responsibility of the relationship. Since s/he
has been unable to find a way to have a back-and-forth discussion in which both of
their experiences can be understood, the result is a gradual sense of emotional
emptiness, loneliness, frustration and resentment. The nuance of their feelings
becomes overshadowed by an emphasis on literalness and facts, resulting in constant
miscommunication. Holidays and special events are often disappointing and
exhausting. Finding the words to talk to friends and family is challenging, and there is
often the experience of “faking normalcy” while struggling alone.

THE NEURODIVERGENT PARTNER

The neurodivergent partner feels most balanced and regulated by having significant
time alone and predictable routines, as well as structured environments rather than in
socially fluid ones. S/he may feel others have a social or emotional code that is not
instinctive to them. Close relationships feel more confusing or draining than
expected, and emotional conversations feel overwhelming and exhausting. Strong
internal reactions are difficult to express outwardly, and create a pattern of shutting
down, withdrawing, and disengaging when emotions become intense. There is often the
feeling of being disappointing, inadequate, or that s/he is a problem to be solved, as well as having
intentions frequently misunderstood. There is a hopelessness in ever meeting their
partner’s emotional needs, and a desire for “things to just be simple” and quantifiable.