Common Experiences in Neurodiverse Relationships

FOR NEURODIVERSE COUPLES

This page offers two parallel sets of experiences, one for the neurotypical partner and one for the neurodivergent partner. They reflect patterns I have seen over many years in working with neurodiverse couples. Unfortunately, experience in traditional couples therapy can exacerbate these patterns. Every couple is unique and the descriptions are not meant to be diagnostic, predictive, or decisive.

THE NEUROTYPICAL PARTNER

The neurotypical partner often feels s/he must sacrifice their own needs and spontaneity in order
to regulate their partner, both socially and emotionally. In the absence of finding resolution
with their partner following disagreements, s/he often will take on the emotional responsibility of the relationship. S/he may be unable to find a way to have a back-and-forth discussion in which both of
their experiences can be understood. Over time, the result is a gradual sense of emotional
emptiness, loneliness, frustration and resentment. The nuance of personal feelings
becomes overshadowed by their partner’s emphasis on literalness and facts, resulting in constant
miscommunication. Holidays and special events, rather than deepening intimacy, are often disappointing and exhausting. Finding the words to talk to friends and family is challenging, and there is
often the experience of “faking normalcy” while struggling alone.

THE NEURODIVERGENT PARTNER

The neurodivergent partner feels most balanced and regulated by having significant
time alone, predictable routines, and structured environments. S/he may feel others have a social or emotional code that is not
instinctive to them. Close relationships may feel confusing or draining, and conversations with their partners involving emotions may feel overwhelming and exhausting. Strong internal reactions may be either difficult to express outwardly, or difficult to control. This can create a pattern of shutting
down, withdrawing, and disengaging, or of anger when emotions become intense. S/he may feel s/he is disappointing, inadequate, or is being treated as a problem to be solved, and may find that their intentions are frequently misunderstood. They may feel hopeless in ever meeting their partner’s emotional needs, and have a strong desire for “things to just be simple” and quantifiable.